[WRITING TIPS] SỰ KHÁC BIỆT GIỮA BÀI VIẾT BAND 7 VÀ BAND 8

Khoảng cách từ band 7 tới band 8, nghe chừng không cách xa nhau lắm nhưng trong IELTS Writing, đây là một bước vọt khá ấn tượng, cần nhiều thời gian ôn luyện. Để các bạn có thể nhìn nhận rõ hơn sự khác biệt giữa bài viết band 7 và band 8, IPP IELTS xin gửi tới bạn một bài viết hữu ích từ thầy Tú Phạm – Chủ nhiệm IPP IELTS.

Bài viết Band 7

Children are experiencing increased educational, social and commercial pressure. What are the causes of this? What measures should be taken to reduce these pressure?

It is believed that children currently confront increased challenges and tension from education, society and business. There would be certain principal causes ascribed to this trend and societies 1 can take steps to mitigate these potential problems 2. 

Several internal and external sources could be attributable to3 this worrying tendency. Firstly, scholastic pressure might act as a catalyst for exacerbating stress. There is a mistaken belief that only by gaining admission to top-ranking institutions could children secure a decent future job. Therefore, children have to experience a heavy workload at the early stage of life in order to win the fierce competition. The insufficient leisure time could cause intense anxiety in a child who is not mature enough to manage such a demanding schedule. Secondly, parental expectations influence children’s mental state in different ways4. Parents are frequently indifferent about 5 the close observation of kids,6 therefore, they might not have a realistic view of their potential and strengths. The overestimation of children’s ability could eventually put them under firm pressure. Finally, media stress is also a contributing factor to this worrying trend. Children are constantly bombarded with negative news stories about crime and violence on our streets, which 7 is perpetuated by the modern media. 

There are several actions that could be adopted to solve the problems 8 described above. Firstly, some courses of instruction could be offered to teach children about the genuine meaning of success in life. They should be noticed that university might not be the only route to success because drive and initiative are just as important as exam results. Take Bill Gates as an example, he got lucky pursuing a career in software without a university degree, becoming one of the most 9 richest man10 in the word 11. Secondly, parents should avoid placing unrealistic expectations on children. Instead, they should build children’s sense of self-worth by recognizing their achievements and show active concern in their children’s academic interest. Finally, the media should also be encouraged to present more positive stories in the news about how crime is being tackled rather than the focus12 on the negative.

In conclusion, although the increased stress in children might stem from several primary causes, various measures can be taken to address the issue.

368 words – Band7.0

Viết bài: An Bảo

In đậm: các từ, collocations và phrases hay | Màu vàng: lỗi sai

Giải thích lỗi sai:

TR: Task Response  | CC: Coherence and Cohesion | LR: Lexical Resource | GR: Grammar

1. GR : singular noun
2. CC: Are challenges and tension the problems you refer to, or is the belief that children must confront increased challenges a problem? You must be very careful if you pluralise the word ‘problem’ here
3. LR : misuse of “attributable”
4. TR : the link to the topic is weak
5. LR : collocation: indifferent to
6. GR : inappropriate use of punctuation
7. CC: unclear reference
8. CC: Same as 2
9. GR : redundant word
10. GR : plural noun
11. LR : spelling
12. GR : focusing

Bài viết Band 8

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Teaching history for schoolchildren has been a heated topic constantly.  There is a common belief that local history is more important to children than world history. However, I disagree with this belief.

I believe the notion that local history is more valuable than world history should be rejected. Some people may claim that the insights into the local historical values are completely enough for one to live. Their claim could be true a few decades ago when most interpersonal communications were between people of the same race and origin. However, this view is now outdated, as the world has become globalised and international business and migrant workers have made any community a global village. In this context, an understanding of a foreign country’s history would enable future local workers to reinforce the relationship between them and the expatriates from that country.

In addition, I am strongly convinced that children would benefit the most only when the learning of local history is placed parallel to that of world history. To understand a local historical event, children should put the regional and sometimes even world context in that historical era into consideration. For example, children should acknowledge that the event that Vietnam regained its independence after defeating the Japanese troops in Indochina in 1945 only happened after a series of relevant events in the World War II, one of which is the surrender of Japan to the Allies. In this way of learning, children would understand history more deeply and thoroughly.

All the existing data has provided a concrete foundation that the study of local history should always be parallel to that of world history. This practice would guarantee that children learn history more comprehensively and be able to tighten the bond with migrant workers in their country.

298 words, Band 8.0+

Viết bài: Tu Pham

In đậm: các từ, collocations và phrases hay